how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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