If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
