Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize