I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
