So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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