I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize