I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I skipped work to stalk him.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
