Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
this boner is exhausting
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize