True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
