He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
