do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Hippo gnu deer
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
So much rum. So many feels.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
