Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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