you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
