Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
