i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
