Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
