there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
