Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
