Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
