life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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