just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
