Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
