everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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