If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
