o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
