I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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