Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
