K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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