My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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