I used to practice getting hit by cars.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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