I accidentally had phone sex last night
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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