mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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