I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
