Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
So apparently I’m into choking now
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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