im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
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