I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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