saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize
