The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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