It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize