That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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