idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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