The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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