it's like iHOP with fire
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
