just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize
