Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
