Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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