I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
