my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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