you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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