mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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