got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
