I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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