they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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