I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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