Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
