I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
